I know it’s been a while folks, but I’m all about quality, not quantity.
So here is my latest ‘Diary of’ which is a series of direct quotes from my 83-year-old Grandad that I have collected over the years. Now anyone who knows him will know that he speaks his mind and may not be the most politically correct of men. However, he does have a heart of gold and quips like no other!
Day 1: Sometimes if a book from the library is particularly bad, I write a little review on the first page in pencil. Just to warn other readers.
Day 2: I’m talking about that tennis player. Do you know who I mean? Y’know, buggerlugs the Spaniard.
Day 3: I called up my bank because they wrongly charged me £10, and before I could even put my teeth in the woman said sorry and she would refund it. I said that’s not good enough, I was calling up for an argument!
Day 4: * Grandad getting changed into pyjamas, shouts to me and my cousin * – Look away ladies if you don’t want to know where you came from.
Day 5: You want to be a writer? I’d never read a book written by a woman. It’d be full of useless descriptions, like a chapter on how beautiful the horse’s mane looked in the sunset.
Me: Why have you got a purple stain on your knee?
Grandad: I let my friend’s Grandaughter do some painting with me, but she was rubbish. Could barely hold the brush. She kept choosing a bright purple to paint landscapes with even though I had plenty of sensible colours.
Me: How old was she?
Grandad: Well, she was three. So I left some paints behind for her to practice with, but not the purple.
Day 7: * I finish giving Grandad a synopsis of the story I’m working on* – I bet it’s not worth the paper it’s written on.
Day 8: * Walking past two ladies, one is adjusting the other’s dress strap* – Do you need a hand there ladies? If you do I’ll send for my father.
Day 9: * To a Greek waiter* – I have eight grandchildren. These are Charlotte and Megan. Charlotte is the one who reads, Megan is the one who dances with wolves. I’ll give you Megan for two camels.
Day 10: * Grandad on the phone to Sky* – Yes I’m a bit deaf love, so I’ll just put my daughter on. Yes, she is my daughter, or so I was told.
Day 11: I saw a young lady reading in the woods the other day. So I wandered over, and I said hello love what you reading? And she shut her book quickly and ran off.
Day 12: * A larger lady walks past Grandad* – By God! That’s one hell of a woman.
Day 13: *Grandad leaving me a voicemail* – Hello Megan, it’s your Father, no sorry, Grandfather here. What kind of writing makes the most money? … RANSOM NOTES! Cheerio, Olive Oil.